Disclaimer: This is a spoiler filled Review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. So if you don't want to know what happens, I suggest you stop reading now. But if you don't give a shit, READ ON!
"...No matter what happens, I'm really glad I got in that car with you".
If you remember watching the first Transformers movie; these lines happen right before Sam takes the cube to the tallest building to be handed off to the military. Mikala (Megan Fox) calls him back and she doesn't do the cliche thing and say "oh Sam, I LOVE YOU" No like a flippin' gangsta' she makes her words count and ring true. At that moment, every person in the audience was really glad we got in the car with Sam.
There was this wonder and awe that came with the first Transformers movie; that brought everyone back to being a kid. Yes, there were moments like the cop interrogation scene that were a little much, but it had this almost PG-13 feel of Michael Bay's The Rock to it. There was a relationship between a boy and his first car that was held through out that movie and made us care for these characters.
The sequel: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was an advancement in the action but a let down in the character department. The characters become caricatures of themselves in an an effort to make the movie...ummmm...funny? Most of this was attributed to the Writer's Strike that was on the horizon at the time but there's only so much you can't take the blame for. TF: Revenge of the Fallen got too mystical and thus the main point of the Decepticons wanting to destroy our sun for energon was quickly overshadowed by robots and dogs humping each other and loud screaming characters who were only added...ummmm...to be funny? The action in the movie, while good, was quite a mess. Small action, big action, more small action, little story, OH WAIT BIG ACTION!!!, small action and then.....Scene. Like I said messy.
We now come to Transformers: Dark of the Moon. The trailer to this movie held such great promise, it weaved Autobot history into American history and brought forth what we as Americans love to hear so much about; a cover-up. An ancient Autobot ship called the Arc is discovered on the moon which holds an Autobot name Sentinel Prime and a weapon he built that could bring about the end of the world. Shia Lebeouf returns as Sam Witwicky and sadly his hot gear head girlfriend played by Megan Fox is replaced by an air headed Victoria Secret model.
Sidenote: Michael Bay directs all the Victoria's Secret Commercials. Yea, he really does.
The movie begins wonderfully by bringing the nostalgia and wonder of the Apollo 11 launch to the Moon and revealing that the United States race to the moon with Russia had more behind it than just being first. However, what is the next scene after the opening credits? Ass. Victoria's Secret Ass. Ass in Victoria's Secret underwear. I'm sorry I thought this was a Transformers movie? I didn't know it was an opportunity to exercise your skills as a lingerie director!!!
In addition to findings on the moon, there are some good plot twists in this movie; we discover that Sentinel Prime has made a pact with the Decepticons and plans to use his weapon to transport Cybertron to Earth and use humans as slaves to rebuild it. Patrick Dempsey's character Dylan, a suave business man who has a nice car collection has been the man funding this invasion as the leader of the human alliance with the Decepticons. See that pitch alone should have guaranteed a slam dunk of a movie.
Sadly we have to rape what could have been a good movie and get the asian guy from The Hangover with the small dick, to do his shtick and jump up and down on Sam in a bathroom stall and try to speak "code" to him in an effort to relay some information which could have just been handed to him. Then, we have to completely underuse the great John Malkovich as Sam's tanned, orange, asshole boss who doesn't like any other color than yellow. Oh and since he likes yellow we will just add a scene where he tries to fight Bumblebee. Yea that sounds good right? Cause its funny right??? You have Alan Tudyk who has geek fame from playing Wash in Firefly and Serenity as Agent Simmons assistant??? Bloody Sad. Why wasn't he given a meatier government roll? I see what Michael Bay is going for with his casting, we get it, you like to have good actors even in the small roles. But these sort of roles should be like John Salley as the computer nerd in Bad Boys 1 and 2, there for 2min and then DONE! You don't need them through the entire fucking movie!!!
Newcomer Francis McDormand plays Agent Mearing, a tough as nails U.S Government Agent who just shits on anyone cause now she holds the "do whatever I want and get away with it" badge and she is a small breath of a real character in this movie. Even Tyrese was used well!
As far as casting goes I feel like the producers and or Michael Bay feels the need to have every character we've ever seen in the Transformers movies do something and we really don't. Creating new characters and ever getting rid of some old ones would have made this movie so much more better.
I've always loved Shia Labeouf, I think he's the Bruce Willis of our time, he's the everyday man; but here he is still acting like a high schooler and it pisses me off that he hasn't grown as a character at all! Shia is on auto pilot in this movie and for that matter so is the movie.
So you might be asking yourself; "But what about the action?" "Is there anything you liked?"
The best sequence to me wasn't even seeing Chicago getting destroyed it was the highway sequence with the dreadlock Decepticons chasing after Sentinel Prime. A new Decepticon name Laserbeak goes and murders various people and I thought the editing on those scenes added the creepy tone and mood that added to Laserbeak's ferocity. The effect is used later in the action sequence that takes place in Chicago but not well. The last hour of this movie are the events that happen in Chicago and boy its a doozie. I must admit after a while though I just didn't care anymore. There was grandious spectacle and a beautiful art to the action, but seriously it takes us fifty minutes to knock out one side of a building??? I feel like the action just ran way to long and was only there for the sake of having something BIG to end the series.
The only thing this movie does is solidify how much a classic this first one is and how for a moment we might get a Transformers series worthy of action that has purpose, driven characters and compelling story. Unfortunately, the hopeful series has turned into a big screaming contest, with a little Victoria's Secret commercial mixed in and music courtesy of 101.9
I personally say if you haven't seen this movie yet...wait till dvd or redbox it.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is in theaters now.
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StuntmanBob
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