If You Want a Solid Guarantee That I Will Not See Your Shitty Movie…

…use this as your tagline – “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan”. There’s…something about this particular combination of words that I cannot understand, mostly in regards to its currency as a market proposition. Let’s face it, that’s really all movies are – market propositions. Going to the movies presents, at its essence, the exact same consumer experience as just about any other place of business – the product just happens to be temporally limited. But other than that, you are going to a business that specializes in selling a thing (electronics, movies, religion, or whatever), and has many varieties of that thing for sale (products/genres), from which you must select the particular thing that matches your specifications and preferences. Perhaps an example would help illustrate how ridiculous this “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan” business really is. Let’s say I’m buying a…car. Sure. Here we go.

DORIAN walks into a car dealership. Smelling fresh meat, SALESMAN ASSHOLE shares a private moment with a shit-eating grin before approaching Dorian.

As he walks over, Salesman Asshole feels a rush of endorphins, the physical manifestation of his belief that making this sale will allow him to achieve orgasm tonight without punching his wife in the stomach mid-coitus. His mind quickly veers, scoffing at her silly notion that there is a correlation between his sexual proclivities and her inability to bear children.

SALESMAN ASSHOLE (to Dorian): Aren’t women stupid?

DORIAN: That’s a fucked up way to sell cars.

Salesman Asshole winces. This isn’t the first time he’s done this.

SA: Look, I’m really sorry—

D (interrupting): No need for that. I’m game – what d’you got?

SA: Let me introduce myself first. My name’s Asshole.

D: That’s unfortunate.

SA: Well, I make it work.

D: That’s very…big of you? Look, I don’t really care. I came here to buy a car.

SA: Ah yes. Here, take a look at this baby – it’s called, “Devil.”

D: Bitchin’ name. Who makes it?

SA: Oh, it’s from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan.

D: Who the fuck is that?

SA: A famous car designer. He released his first car in 1999, which came out of nowhere and took everyone by surprise. Sold like crazy. Not a bad vehicle, but nothing revolutionary enough to warrant the acclaim it was receiving if you ask me. Anyway, he released three more cars over the next five years, all of which were basically the same as the first, so naturally, sales started to decline. He came up with another design in 2005 that his manufacturer told him had serious structural defects, but his ego had gotten so big by this point that he told them to fuck off and found another manufacturer who was so smitten by his celebrity that they were willing to overlook the obvious problems within this design. So they went ahead and made it. That car is still regarded to this day as one of the worst cars ever made.

D: I can’t imagine why you would posit this as a reason to buy this car - I’m guessing he had some kind of heroic comeback recently?

SA: Well, he designed an off-road vehicle in 2008, but he hired a former rapper to be the head engineer, so the final result lacked the balls to do any true off-roading. And actually, he just released his most recent car a few weeks ago. It’s his most expensive design yet!

D: …and?

SA: Sales are terrible and Consumer Reports called driving it, “an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.”

D (pointing to the Devil): And he made this car?

SA: No, it just came from his mind.

D: What the fuck does that even mean? Did he just will this thing into existence?

SA: I think he came up with the concept and someone else made it.

D: So why would I ever want to buy this thing? This Shyamalan character sounds like a hack – don’t you have something else?

SA: Yeah, but to be honest, they’re all pretty much the same.

D: Oh. Well, is there somewhere around that I can get a thought-out, innovative car of sound structural integrity?

SA: There might be one or two places still in business, but they’re out in the middle of nowhere, and they usually only sell the good ones on Friday and Saturday at midnight.

D: Well that’s horribly inconvenient – I’ve got five kids to feed!

SA: Well, that’s why we’re here, all day, every day.

And so the tired analogy comes to an end, but I think the point is made – who the fuck would buy a car with this pedigree?

As an aside, I would like to note that I do not actually have five, or any, children – I just can’t pass up the opportunity for a Total Recall reference. This is probably a good thing for both me and my imaginary children, as I don’t believe they would last very long with me being one of their primary caregivers. I’m sorry, but I simply do not respect any living creature that is incapable of feeding itself. It’s inexcusable.

But let’s get back to Devil – its makers were clearly unsatisfied with presenting only one potent argument against seeing their movie in their poster, so they added a second, self-prophesying tagline – “Bad Things Happen for a Reason”. See if you can identify the bad thing and the reason in this statement – if you produce anything conceived by M. Night Shyamalan, you will end up with a shit movie. It seems a simple enough understanding, yet so many people have failed to grasp it, which baffles me because I was under the impression this was common knowledge as of a few years ago, even before Lady in the Water. Does this pompous motherfucker think he can just ejaculate his lack of versatility as a film maker and a storyteller right in our faces and expect us to swallow? The only thing more harrowing is the follow up question – if so, is it working?

I guess that’s enough about the poster. As for the trailer itself, I mean, it’s terrible. What the fuck did you think I was going to say?

-Dorian

Catch Up On Older Episodes!

So you say you've never seen an episode of The Couch? Well with our Comic Con debut coming up I think you should catch up. The Wolfman, directed by Joe Johnston was our first episode and Alice in Wonderland Directed by Tim Burton was our second both have recently been released on dvd and blu ray. Enjoy and leave comments.

Dueces!
StuntmanBob

The Couch. CHICAGO COMIC CON. Can you dig it?

A few days ago we got the go ahead to shoot an episode of The Couch at the 2010 Chicago Comic Con! This is really a dream for us as this was one of our goals when we first started our show. Dorian and myself would like to thank all of you who have been reading and supporting us. We are only going up from here!

The Comic Con takes place August 19th, 20th, 21st, and 22nd. Throughout those days we will hopefully get the opportunity to talk with some celebrities and comic scribes, get their thoughts on movie trailers and review a trailer for debut in September. Please try and come out and support the Comic Con and us. Check back as we will post who we will be interviewing and what trailer will get the royal treatment from Dorian and myself.

Ticket information for the con is here
http://www.wizardworld.com/home-ch.html

Thanks for reading and as always if you have any trailers you think we should check out, movie recommendations, or pointless bitching hit us up at guysonthecouch@gmail.com


Dueces!
StuntmanBob

"POKE ME" I think I'm in Heaven. Teaser Trailer: THE SOCIAL NETWORK

This is what TEASER TRAILER means!!! The Social Network is the new movie being directed by David Fincher. Fincher has directed Fight Club, Seven, Zodiac, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It chronicles the start up and drama of "the social network" juggernaut know as Facebook.

This trailer just get me pumped. If this is all we got from this movie until October, when its released, I would be happy. Lately there have been a string of teasers and full length trailers that are actually doing a good job of teasing! Inception, Predators, and the 1st trailer to Wall Street Money 2: Money Never Sleeps and I'm happy to see that in a way the movie industry has still got it!

So much today is given away in the trailers that when you go to see the movie, all the best parts or a portion of them are ruined. The Social Network teaser is inventive, fresh, exciting, and does so much with very little. You can feel the weight of this film. It accomplishes so much and I eagerly await its release. Enjoy and feel free to comment or shoot us an email at guysonthecouch@gmail.com

dueces
StuntmanBob

"Its So UN-FLUFFY!!!" Despicable Me Trailer Review

Despicable Me comes from the Executive Producers of the Ice Age series which I'm a fan of and needless to say, I have a bone to pick with trailer(s) that advertise this movie.

Earlier in the week, I was listening to the Slashfilm Podcast in their after dark series. Which is the show after the show, and they were having a very interesting conversation about watching trailers. Now although I didn't agree with somethings that were being said, I appreciate the fact that they really got into talking about trailers as a whole. The conversation encompassed teaser trailers to full length trailers. How good they are. How much information they give away. How sometimes they don't do a movie justice. Etc.

This movie has so many trailers that its just confusing. I remember the first teaser for this movie had the main character, Gru, trying to get over this big ass wall. This was the home of his arch enemy, but his attempts were always being foiled by the extensive security system that was running. Nothing impressive, but it was what a teaser does; gives you a taste of what to expect. A clever battle of wits and technology between to evildoers seemed pretty awesome.

Next we were subjected to even smaller tv spot like teaser trailers with these little yellow thumb looking, overall wearing creatures as the advertisement for the movie. These..."things" literally looked design rejects for SpongeBob SquarePants. They were funny for a minute but just got real played out.

Coincidentally, on Father's Day weekend, a full trailer for the movie is finally released and we get an entirely different mood. One where Gru is trying to be bad but now has to assume a father-like role in taking care of three girls that are thrust upon him. This to me just felt like it came out of no where and it feels a little misplaced. Now this movie which started off looking like an interesting way to look into the world of villainy, care of some slick animation, has turned into a "Series of Unfortunate Events" for Gru, PUN INTENDED.

The cast for this as well as all animation films are very impressive, Steve Carell voices Gru and the supporting cast is Jason Segal, Russel Brand Kristen Wiig, Miranda cosgrove, Will Arnett, Danny McBride, Jack McBrayer, and Julie Andrews.

I like Steve Carrell, he always adds this sense of awkwardness that I think audiences can relate with. But why does Gru sound Russian? Is he Russian? He just sounds like a sober version of the Russian Cosmonaut in Armageddon. And what the hell is up with the Uncle Fester look? I might be knit picking but that's bugging me too. Are the filmmakers trying to make him sound like a terrorist type villain? I mean he is planning to steal the moon. So yea? Alright I feel if I go on I'll just get more picky so I'll finish up.

This movie, as with everything on the planet is being given the 3D treatment. (sigh). Looks like I'll be going to the 2D showing. The only saving grace for me is this trailer is the little girl who is gonna die cause "ITS SO FLUFFY!". Give me an entire movie about her, cause as of right now, I don't really care for anyone in this trailer other than her.

As always the final review will be when the credits roll and house lights come up.

Dueces!
StuntmanBob